You can’t avoid offending people from time to time. When you don’t mean it, apologize. When you do mean it, accept the consequences.

This is my new journal ---- http://throwing-dice.blogspot.com ..... and there's probably some stuff on there that some of you should read. probably don' want to read... but should anyway. And yea... You will be offended by some of it. just thought I'd warn you. :)

LOVE YOU

:)~~ B

Red Rose and Vampire Yukata Dresses from Japan! Buying them Tomorrow!

Can't wait!

NEW JOB!
Well, I started work at the Saskatoon Inn last Wednesday as a room attendant (nice way of saying housekeeper). My boss' and co-workers are all very friendly and helpful. Training was finished today, so now I get to start working on a floor by myself. which is really, really nice. I hate having people watch my every move, it's creepy. In any case, I love the job, it's so close to home, and the pay is good enough; $9.50/hr, so I have nothing to complain about so far. Even if I did, I couldn't because I need that job quite badly.

Comic Stuff
Sok Puppets is still quite alive and well. lot's of fans and comments, it's quite nice to come home and see what people think of my work. I'm going to be starting a storyline - a short one, mind you. It will never be a full story-line comic. I don't work that way, the Puppets don't work that way, but I will begin delving into a few short 3-6 page story lines.

Also, on June 5-8th I will be in St. Louis for a Comic Cookout with my friend Jessica, and all the lovely, nice people over at Comic Genesis. Hopefully I'll get lot's of inspiration and hints/tips while I'm there that will help me in my continued comic endeavors.

Life Stuff
BIRTHDAY! I turn 20 on November 10th! Yes, quite exciting.
Me and Tynera had an "argument" last night, things have been more than resolved, and I no longer feel like I'm being punched in the stomach and ignored, which is quite nice. So, Yes, we ARE still dating, no- That's not about to change. Thanks for the impute though.

... I don't know If I'm depressed, or just lonely, or scared maybe... But I know that I'm not Okay.

I know that things between me and Tynera aren't okay - because she has this uncanny ability to rip out my heart through my stomach ... and I feel like that's normal. Like every relationship is like that and I ca forgive her no matter how badly she hurts me - because she's my girlfriend and its my "duty". I don't like saying things to her... because I know it'll hurt her - and that's not alright, but... she can hurt me all she wants and I just smile... and play it off like it's fine.

At first I thought maybe it was an Abusive relationship - emotionally.. or something... but, she isn't controlling, or angry with me - ever... if anything the only thing I could call it is 'neglect' but that's hardly real abuse; It's just life. 

I don't want to do anything anymore... Just getting up to go to work tires me out for the rest of the day (and my job is hardly what I would call physically demanding) It's just that I'm around people to a point where I make myself sick because I can not stand being near people. They scare me... Being closed alone in a room with someone - no matter how well I know them ... always freaks me out; and it's just constantly getting worse.

It's not even just rooms anymore... I can't sleep unless I know I have my knife near me because I'm afraid that Gary (mom's boyfriend) is going to try to kill/rape/etc me or mom or Dylan... and there's Absolutely no reason for that fear. At work... if I'm working alone on a floor alone - I'm fine, but if one of the other ladies is working with me I get paranoid that she's going to try to hurt me somehow... and I can't work - or concentrate on work.. because I'm scared.

... And yeah - there's more - I don't want to do anything anymore. I don't want to draw, or write or listen to music... or talk to my friends or go out. I just want to sit at home, alone... and do nothing. I Love working on my comic, Gary even bought me come really cool paints and markers and pens... and I haven't even Opened them yet... nor do I really have any wish too. I have lots of Ideas... and no will to do anything with those ideas.

I look like shit, I feel like shit... I'm scared. I just don't Feel it anymore, I don't feel anything other than boredom and fear and thats not a fun way to live. I don't even cry when I'm sad... or hurt or anything - I just sit there like Oh, this again. I Can't cry - I've tried... The last time I got like this was when I started cutting... and then with the Physical pain I could cry and then I'd feel better... But I finally got done with that. I don't want to go back to feeling like that. I don' want to go back to cutting now that I'm "Cured"

I just feel so fucked up... and I don't know what to do about it.

"OMGWTFBBQ! YOU! You took THREE days off!" < My boss

Me>"You never called me in too work..."

"YOU NEED TO CALL IN EVERYDAY!!" <Boss

Me>"... what?"

"EVERYDAY! You must Call in! It's not fair to the other maids if you don't"

"... What? Fair? I worked nine days in a row... so they could have days off... that's not fair."

"THAT! That is your JOB!"

"Soo... they get the weekends off all the time... and I get a day off when you don't need me anymore?"

"Yes!"

.... what?

So- browsing along the Comic genesis Forum, I ran into This Topic. Usually I'm fine letting people express their own opinions, and even if it pisses me of, or insults me I just shrug it off as it being  "their Opinion" I'm fine with that. Until I got to this post:

MOVING FINALLY!  No more of my Uncle's Bullshit! WOO

When?: End of September
Where?: Uhhh... Well To my mom's Boyfriends Place - Near the GC Telus Place.

I'm so excited, I can't wait to get out of here and just be done with it! There's no land-line or Internet out there yet, but we're getting it put in sometime in the next two weeks. It's actually CLOSER to downtown then I am now, so thats a nice bonus. Ntm I won't have to pay as much for rent which is really nice!

There are three bedrooms upstairs - Two of which will be mine - One for sleeping and one for my computer and stuff like that. the other is Mom and Gary's (her boyfriend) and Dylan will get the basement. It's a nice setup, the house is big, and nice and... It's just.. really great! Gary is a really nice guy - Tons of movies and video games! I'll be so much fun to get out of here finally.

I've already started getting stuff packed up that I don't need.

If i had it my way - We would have moved out today! Alas.. that isn't going to happen. But I can dream v_v

Anyway - once I find out the actual address and we get a phone out there I'll update everybody with that information!

Wish me Luck!!! hahahah

It's a line from a story I'm reading on fiction press... and the main character... kinda reminds me of me. It scares me... So... this blog.. is going to be lines from that story - that explain what I've been feeling..

Yay lets all delve into Brady's Soul...

Something feels different – lacking – in her embrace. (And cold. Why am I so cold?) Is it because I’m pulling away from her? I’m not sure. All I know is that some little, incomprehensible voice in my head is starting to drive me insane, and I hate it.

Maybe I am sick after all…or maybe I’m just upset. Or both. I can’t clear my head enough to decide, and even if I could, it’s very hard to think about anything at all when your insides are trying to cast themselves out of your body.

All I want is to feel better – no more aches or fevers or emotions, just comfort and security.

So much is going through my head that I cannot seem even to crack a smile.

I feel like I need to be close to someone, for now, to keep myself as “okay” as I can manage. I don’t want those horrible chills to return. I am terrified of having another breakdown

“I don’t mind your germs, anyway.”

Nothing can stay the same forever. for too much has changed, has been broken and shredded and wrenched apart, for me to put things right.

Then again, I’m the dirty cheating whore. Oh, how I wish I were drunk. Life is just so much easier when you’re swimming towards the bottom of a bottle and the precious knowledge that whatever your sorrows may be, they’ll drown themselves before you ever need to come up for air.

I was always the shy kid – the one that never even got noticed enough to be picked on, because I just blend in that well. I am stealthy. I am silent. I am inconspicuous. I am a shadow, oh yes. I am a chameleon.

how long can I live like this, always hiding? How much longer can I hold my own with this guilt on my shoulders

Being dead can’t be nearly as bad as feeling like I am.

Tonight, I am entirely alone.

I begin to wonder why I am doing this. I’m not sure. All I know is that my feelings for her run much deeper than I thought, and I’m not sure if it scares me or not. But one thing I am sure of is that I want to be here, kissing her, touching her, knowing nothing but her, for as long as I can.

And wow --- thats.. my feelings.. in a story...

*sigh*

Maybe I shouldn't have written this - and maybe it's the most pathetic thing I've ever done... but It's truth. I'm really not doing so good right now ... and the one person that I want to care doesn't even pretend to notice...

FINALLY

My mom broke down the other day and finally agreed to let me have a mouse... I wanted a rat, or hamster... but a mouse is good enough for me!

... and I'm not telling Uncle Gary about it until after she's been bought and everything set up in my room. Can't and Won't take her back! So there Uncle G. Take that! RAWR...

I think I'll name her Lain or Navi - in respect to Serial Experiments Lain and her ... well her Navi. I already have a cage for her, I just need to buy all the other stuff when I get paid on Monday. I'm really excited!

I don't think I've really left the house other than for work in almost three weeks. There's just... ANGST! I didn't go to Angels baby shower, I didn't go say goodbye to Britney when she left, I didn't go for Coffee with Cora, I haven't called Kara in so damn long. I was supposed to send Brandi an Email - I haven't done that either. I don't feel up to it... I kinda just want to sit here and... continue being blah.

Not To mention all the FUN news I just got from Tear today. Joy.
Love sucks balls. I hate it - feeling useless, and pointless and unneeded - and.. is that love? I dunno

It's how I feel at any rate.

I think I should just gouge my eyes out with a spoon and lay in bed for the rest of my life.

*Insert mental breakdown here*

Todays list of things to do
1.Think over Relationship problems.
2.cry
3.eat
4.Think and cry some more
5.Sleep

Sound like fun yeah?
I just want my girlfriend back.

OKAY! OKAY!
I'm done Angsting!!!
Fine!

A somewhat psychotic, deranged look at the lives of Sock Puppets as they meander their way through the halls of the local psych ward, as well as their own minds...

Will turn from funny/cute/bizzar to odd/strange/funny/bizzar to horror/bizzar/cute/strange/messed up - as we continue to find out more about their personalities.

Okay - shameless self promotion is over, but really - please check it out, and leave me some love?

"Mommy makes everything better; or at least she makes it go away, so we don't have to think about it anymore." It's a line from The Maxx - right before the mother kills the dying bunny with a shovel - in the garage. And the little girl is watching... and the image sticks with her - for the rest of her life, but she never tells anyone about it. She kept the shovel that Bunny was killed with.
...

Daddy is coming back today! Just for a visit and shit, but I'm excited. It'll be nice to see him again.

Also, I quit at the Travelodge, and started working at Insightrix. To put it simply, it sucks! I hate talking to people! If i had the chance I'd go back to PrintWest in a fucking second! RAWR! and to make matters Worse, I have NO COFFEE!

BULLSHIT!

Today sucks! I think I might cry... I need to go for coffee! Somebody! Please! Save ME! *please?*

...

I work at the Travel lodge now. Well... Technically I start Monday - So I haven't worked there yet... but it's my "place of employment"... now what that means? It means I get to use the pool and gym for for FREE! Yep! All summer long - and well winter too with it being indoors (as long as I stick around for that long ^^) hahaha I love swimming swimming in my swimming pool - when days are hot when days are cold - in my swimming pool! (it's a song, YO!) Anyway - I'm buzzing of about a pot and a half of Coffee - don't mind me!

HAPPY BE-LATED BIRTHDAY ANGEL!

Well - I haven't written in here in a while, so I figured I may as well...

Friday - Went to Divas with Cammi. Lots of fun! really didn't do a whole lot other than that... Saw Jerek outside Olympias. Pretty cool. Yep...

Saturday - Wen to Rylies with one of my co-workers to see "First Class Male" (strippers) not.. as much fun... but fun none the less. I was laughing the entire time - they just weren't that attractive... At all. it was funny.

Sunday - Called Brit. up and we went to the mall and Adult Source and I bough myself a corset... that is too big... So I altered it. With Safety Pins. Fun Fun. It's really nice though.

I WANT A CLUB TO HANG OUT AT ON WEEKENDS! (if I read correctly, the Roxy should be putting on goth nights maybe. Very cool!)

and the coffee with the goth chapter is this Thursday - hopefully people other than Me Vex and Tear show up -_-; But whatever.

I need some new CD's... and another new corset... or dress or something! damn...

I dunno.

I need to live on this money for like... 3 more weeks and I don't have that much left. Rawr. Whatever.

I'm done.

I have an interview tomorrow at PrintWest - you know the place, across from Woodlawn yeah, that place. Pretty cool! Anyway, I'm interview is at 10:00, I can't wait! I need this job soo bad!

Why you ask?

Because I need to buy STRAWBERRIES and JAM! For a project/contest I'm taking part in on DA... and because I think it'll be fun to dress Dylan up all gothy like, and straighten his hair and just make him look really fucked up!

On a completely and totally related note... Does anybody (any two peoples actually) fell like taking part in my creepy, strawberry death series? You'd get to be dead... and covered in strawberries (and jam..) ... doesn't that sound fun!?

Okay, so maybe not so fun... but I really do need help with this. I'd be the dead person, but I have to take pictures. We've already decided that Dylan is going to be the murderer because he has long hair, and looks like Jesus... and is all round just creepy sometimes. That, my friends, is a good thing.

So Dead people!! Please?

HOLY CRAP! I THOUGHT IT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN! I'M SO PSYCHED!!! OMFG!!

MTV's Downtown the animated series on DVD.

I'm sure you all remember this show right??



Because if you don't... I am going to make you watch all 13 episodes with me.. in one night. I'm serious. Don't fuck with the Downtown!

Anyway! It's an... older cartoon (1999) and it JUST came out on DVD in February!! well damn! I need job, and money so I can get this show! It's a fucking GOOD show!

So now I'm going to spam this thing with links all about Downtown.

chrisprynoski.blogspot.com < You can buy the DVD here
Episode List
Downtown Wikapedia

Annd.. thats all I've got.
I really don't understand why this series wasn't bigger. I loved it. Lots of people loved it. The animation is amazing! The story lines are great, and it's just an all around great cartoon!

So...

Tynera's been here for the cast couple days or so and... I really really wanted to ask her out. I didn't - but I wanted to.

... I guess I'm coming out now (to those of you who didn't already know) So If you tell my brother... or mom, or any one else, I will hate you forever. Okay - Good.

It is extremely frustrating to like someone - when you don't know if they like you back the same way >.< And so - I dunno... I really don't know. I don't want her to say 'no' cuz that would just suck, and I don't want us to end up breaking up 6 months down the road, and messing up our friendship, and friendships with other friends... and ...

And am ... I just being stupid?

I dunno

I probably should over think it a whole lot as that tends to make things worse...

Whatever - I'll figure it out...

OKAY!

So now that I have that out of the way - We went to Brodie/wes'/Mikes Place, and played Dungeons and dragons last night! It was so much fun, kind of confusing at first, but once I got the hang of it I really liked it!

Yay! Thats it!
I'm done.

... Don't expect this to happen often - I'm just bored and in a really really good mood :)

Friday
I had two job interviews. One at AIL - American Income Life (insurance Company), and one at a Telemarketing place for Sasktel - Both seemed like really good jobs, and I'm quite excited for my Second Interviews :)

After that I had Coffee with Phil Haskins and that went really good as well! (yay me) And I have a test shoot with him on Monday which I'm really really excited for! I'm just hoping that goes as well as the original meeting had. :)

Saturday
I did nothing *sigh* Life can really be boring some days, but thats just how it is. It was actually kinda of nice to have some time by myself...

WAIT

Actually - Morgan and Mitch came over that day. fucking great guys - And I need to do a drawing of a Celtic cross for Mitch and a picture of Morgan, for Morgan... Both of which I should get working on!

AND AND I watched Moon Child - the movie with Gackt and Hyde - it was so awesome! If you like Gackt .. or well any pretty Asian boys with guns and white trench coats, vampires, and and and.. Yes... Asian - It was godly.

....

Okay I'm done that now

Sunday
Today - actually Did nothing

-N-O-T-H-I-N-G-

I talked to Tynera though - I guess that counts :)

Me and her and Wes are going for Coffee!!! <3's the coffee

BYE!!!

I HAVE A JOB INTERVIEW TOMORROW AT 3:00

Pretty exciting eh?? I don't know what I'm supposed to do - in all truth, I don't even remember applying there, but hey a jobs a job - and I think I sell insurance... >.< Not sure... Maybe it's bill collecting.. Or something.

Weird...

But It's an Interview!!
Wish me luck XD ;)